Suicide Squad – Review

I hate this movie Everything about it just sucks from the actual filmmaking behind it to the people who deny its awfulness

How could the bar be set this – – low – that a movie like suicide squad is considered to be anything more than pure shit? Nothing about this movie is funny Nothing about it is interesting or dramatic and nothing about it is entertaining! Even on a rainy day when I'm at my most depressed, and I just don't want to do it anymore I won't even put this movie on to forget how ultimately meaningless our lives are So instead of reviewing suicide squad I'm going to give you a list of things you could do instead #1 Going outside #2 Paying your taxes #3 Pledging your allegiance to Satan your one true master

Plot So basically the plot of the movie can be boiled down to this Everyone's a fucking idiot a demon wants to take over the world and Captain Boomerang has a unicorn fetish – Amanda Waller, a government agent who's kind of like Nick Fury, but if Nick Fury was a dumb asshole – assembles the suicide squad to beat these things? And somehow they win? I mean I understand the concept of Suspension of disbelief but was a boomerang and a baseball bat really enough to take down all this shit? Hell the bats not even metal, its wood! So with a plot this simple it only makes sense that this two-hour movie would be filled with unnecessary scenes that are bland and boring! Like this one scene where the Joker tells this one guy that he has a big hard-on for Harley

Or this other one where deadshot shows off his shooting skills even though we already saw them in the beginning Simple plots aren't always a bad thing because they can leave room to build character but this movie just builds a monument of disappointment None of the characters feel like real people and they all just feel like stereotypes Like Killer Croc He's supposed to be from the hood, and he's a hard motherfucker and that's about all his character is

The closest this movie comes to making a somewhat interesting character is with uh Wait hold on I gotta look him up Uhhhh

El Diablo He's introduced as a character with an evil past, but rejects his old ways which is pretty interesting He's good now and doesn't want to bring harm to anyone else We even get to see a tragic flashback where his family died because he lost control over his powers

I'm not saying this is Shakespeare, but they almost had something there Instead the movie spends an asinine amount of time introducing dozens of characters for no particular reason other than to sell toys? I think? I mean that's what I have to assume after an introduction like this This is Katana! She's got my back I would advise not getting killed by her! Her sword traps the souls of its victims tHiS iS kaTaNA Katana's inclusion in this movie just comes off as desperate

Like they only user one other time and even then it's just to drop more exposition about her This character has no business being in this movie – except, maybe, you know, the toy business Gotta entertain the kids somehow when this movie can't manage to do it Jared Leto gets a lot of hate from this movie Which I guess he deserves because his character is fucking terrible, but on the shit scale I wouldn't really say he's at the top, He's more of in the middle What I mean is the attention is really focused on him even though his character is barely in the movie

Which is kind of a relief because he's so obnoxious and over-the-top that it feels like a blessing whenever he's not on the screen And speaking of which his character doesn't need to be in this movie either! The Joker's introduced and built up to help Harley escape at some point, but once they actually do this, his helicopter crash lands and Harley's back in the squad like nothing happened! Like what kind of lazy storytelling is this? He doesn't need to be in the movie! If he doesn't need to be in there don't put him in there!!! Of course the movie had to pull a Shyamalan on us and turns out He's not dead at all So his characters only here for sequel bait Can't wait to fucking see "Suicide Squad 2!" The Search for More Money Writing

I don't exactly know why everyone thought this movie was in good hands to begin with because like David Ayer is fine but just because her wrote "Training Day" it doesn't make him JD goddamn Salinger! So not only was he not the best choice for this movie but Warner Brothers only gave him six weeks to write it Like fuck, I was privileged with ten months to write this shitty review! So why didn't the studio just push it a couple months? Give it more time to cook? Well apparently too many promotional deals were made and moving the release date would have been way too hard So, the studio made the noble decision to just take their money and run

That's pretty fucking desperate isn't it? It's almost as desperate as my ex-wife begging for child support- I'm just kidding nobody's ever loved me It's a surprise to no one then that the movie filled with unfunny jokes exposition bad characters MORE EXPOSITION Like damn, if you got to use it be more subtle! Like, there's a scene in the beginning where Waller tells these poor bastards The backstory of each character And the scene goes on for 15 FUCKING MINUTES It even tries to hide its exposition behind these bizarre self-Aware graphic slides that only come off as just a pathetic pass at humor

Not to mention this sort of editing style is introduced then completely abandoned after this scene As if it was forgotten Like Brendan Fraiser All the characters in this movie are fucking egregious but Rick Flag oh ho He's something special Here come's Slipknot, the man who can climb anything I would advise not getting killed by her Her sword traps the souls of its victims

The man who killed her husband used that sword His souls trapped inside of it What? They weren't cleared for any of this, any of it I'm not judging I buried a lot of mistakes too

His character traits included one- the guy who tells people what to do, and two- The guy who tells people about other people it's like his only purpose in this movie was to be a vessel for exposition And there's that dirty word again And speaking of- The Man who can climb anything His characters in the movie for about a collective Two minutes and he's only here for Rick to prove a point In your necks, are nanite explosives You disobey me, you die

*"Curb Your Enthusiasm" theme song plays* Editing I can't believe this has to be talked about editing is a basic principle of filmmaking! How could they screw this one up?! The pacing of this movie is far too quick and doesn't have any sense of rhythm! It just fucking blasts past the starting line without any sense of direction I mean just look at this it's so AMATEUR! The guy who edited Rogue One did this film and that movie was fine so what the fuck went wrong here? Well, just like how Warner Brothers shit the bed on the script they also got a trailer house to make another cut of the film Trailer houses make movie trailers which is pretty obvious from that title, so it only makes sense that this movie would be so fast paced without any sense of rhythm I mean, FUCK, just take a look at the end of the mid credit sequence to see what I'm talking about! You should stop working nights You should shut it down

Or my friends and I'll do it for you Wait, what the fuck happened? Why did it end so abruptly? Why not cut to the credits with a door slam or something? How about, like, Waller pours herself another drink? How does a fucking editor in Hollywood make a mistake like this This is so EMBARRASSING! Conclusion Suicide Squad is a terrible experience I can't call it a film or even a movie for that matter because to be either of those things, you have to play by the rules

When I was a young boy, my next-door neighbor- whom I called Uncle Herb- taught me a valuable lesson Before taking me to the basement after school every day to see his fuzzy pickle- He told me and I quote "rules are meant to be followed, and never broken Now stop crying and tickle my prickly muffin-" Unquote Suicide Squad is just a symptom of a larger problem at hand To Hollywood, films that occupy a shared- cinematic universe- are all the rage, and the easiest way to make those fat juicy stacks- Of course when rushing to catch up with Marvel's success, studios are haphazardly throwing films together that only serve as franchise bait for future movies Which is so frustrating to see because it feels like when you sit down to watch something like suicide squad you're not being told a story but just watching an ad for what's to come next and the franchise! So, the next time you sit down to watch a movie, ask yourself this

Am I about to put on Suicide Squad? And if so, Is there a better way to spend my time? If your answers to those questions were yes, and no Then jeez, have you not been paying attention I've been talking shit about this movie for like seven minutes now- *Rock music plays* The man who killed her husband used that sword His soul is trapped inside of it

She talks to him Yeah, well You know what they say about the crazy ones *Airhorn noise* Huh?